Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
