Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think I sprained my soul last night
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
