I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
