I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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