I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Randomize
