So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
