Pants 0. Shit 1.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
