he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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