Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
