I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
