i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
