Rock
Scissors
Fuck
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
