seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
