There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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