and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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