do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
