I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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