omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
oh god was she eating orange peels again
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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