My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
