the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
