It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
