the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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