I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
