i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize