It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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