it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
