i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
