Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
