I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
