Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
