the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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