I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
