I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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