This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
