The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
