I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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