they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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