My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Found your dick twin last night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize