what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize