I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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