Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Are my feet made of real feet?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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