He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
