This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
