The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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