i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
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