Sober January is a disaster.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
