I can text with my tongue
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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