I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think my vagina is haunted
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
