Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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