I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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