i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
