you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
