i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
