id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
