3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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