My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
