I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
