I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
