Your face is a jimmy john
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
