i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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