Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
